A word with today’s parents about inter-caste marriages

“You need power only when you want to do something harmful, otherwise love is enough to get everything done”, so aptly remarked by Charlie Chaplin. But hey, can somebody tell me, if this stands right in our nation? I’m asking, because I am the youth of India. I’m asking because, I need to. I need to clear all my doubts about this. Is love not enough? 

I’m talking about the love marriages in India, and the reaction of all the orthodox communities here. If a Brahmin or a Jain or a Muslim guy or girl, loves someone from any other caste, what’s the big deal? I mean, can’t they? Are they not humans, but robots programmed to choose one among their own species. We are humans. We live in India, and our country is known for its unity in diversity. We all belong to some or the other caste or creed. We all have a religion. But must that define a human? Or one’s deeds should? If I am the CEO of a company, or a film-maker, or a Politian, or some renounced writer, I would prefer myself being known for what I do. It really doesn’t make any sense, calling you a Jain or a Brahmin or a catholic or protestant. Does it define us anywhere?

 Yes I know where these nouns define us. When we are at the verge of so called “right age” to marry, we play the game “Quest for the best”. Parents arrange the best guy or girl for us, from our caste, and whose family enjoys the similar status in society. Things like this might matter for beginning a life-long relationship with someone. But the most essential pillar gets missing, and that is love. Yes it’s true, that in these kinds of arranged marriages, love is developed with the passage of time, and it works too. But does it mean, that only arranged marriages are a way out. What if someone falls in love? Since it is quiet natural and an inevitable truth that love has always existed, in some form or the other, from the ancient times to this day. And not that love marriages are a taboo. I may seem prolonging a topic that has nothing new to it, but what I expect is that we broaden our mentalities and give space to new and refreshing possibilities. There is nothing wrong I can see, if a mature youth just demand about their right to select who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean, it is a decision that affects us the most, and it is never true that we want to defy our parents. They mean the world to us, and we know that their place should be before anyone else in our life as they gave us a place before anyone else in theirs. They have done all sacrifices just for the sake of one smile to their child’s face. We know all this and can never deny. And we also know this, that for them, their child’s happiness is the top priority, as long as it is not degrading their lives. We know, they have provided us the maximum freedom they could, maybe more than all other cousins in our family, and our society. But, world is growing fast. And there is really not a boundary to which we could just confine our thoughts and freedom. We don’t want freedom just for the sake of enjoying our lives, partying and ruining ourselves. We need the freedom so that we could breathe the air of possibilities. It’s not just about love here, but yes, love is also a major part.

 When we meet someone, should we always direct all our senses to judge the person according to their caste or the religion they belong to, and then start a conversation? Because, who knows after that, at any point of time we could fall in love. Must we be sure first about them, about their race and religion, their complexion, height and weight and all other features they look for the sake of arranging a marriage? And finally, when the scanning is done, choosing the apt one, and then falling in love according to the plan, should this be a strategy? Is this how it works, if we want to maintain the purity in our race by not choosing the love of our life out of our community? Well, love knows no rules, and love can’t be so prejudiced, or judgmental. Love is the purest bond of all. It never divides, rather unites. It is never lack of opportunities, but an ocean of new possibilities. Love is not planned, but for those who share this divine bond, it becomes essential to keep it alive. When we separate two people in love, we commit a sin. It is not they who fail, but it is God in the form of love who does. We tend to obey our God, and serve the almighty through the means of our religion. Are we making the almighty really glad this way? There are many ways we’ve seen how orthodox communities tackle the ‘problem’. Some are honor-killing, or even forcing the one, and sometimes their families to leave the community so that its reputation and sanctity could be maintained. Oh holy lord, do you really approve these ruthless measures? I know, and somewhere inside your heart, you too know that it’s just not so right. Then what makes us so narrow-minded people? If this is not something that must be done, what makes us do the same? Why can’t we, for once have a look at our own son’s or daughter’s choice? We could not be foolish enough to leave them unhappy for the rest of their lives. Who are we pleasing after all? This crooked society which has nothing to do when you fall short of money; no one gets concerned about you when you are struggling to make both ends meet to raise your kids. They have nothing to do when you are being bullied by your own boss, or when you are standing in a long queue to pay the electricity bill, and the next minute you need to pick up your kids from school. Did they care when you needed someone the most? If they didn’t, why are they so much concerned when your boy or girl wants to marry someone of their choice? Why are they anxious for your happiness, when they couldn’t stand for your struggles? Does it make sense to care about those people’s happiness and consent, who have never bothered about yours?

 Who are we afraid of, our own parents? No. We tell them the truth and expect them to understand us, since we know nobody else could ever understand us better. But, parents are just blindfolded by the society and are concerned about them. It may not stand right for all of us, today, since a lot has changed. But since I’m talking about it again, it means that not everything has changed, and not everything must, but something still needs to. I’m not blaming parents; we all love our parents, at the end of the day. I’m blaming the system.  It has made them feel helpless, in a situation where demand is not to be helpless, but stand as a support-system to help the children decide about their future. After all, it is better to blame ourselves than our parents and family for taking the decision of our future. We never want to say, if in some critical situation later on in our married lives, that we made a mistake listening to our parents. We could ourselves take the responsibility, and that would not develop any discontent from our parents. I know it could take time, but the idea of inter-caste love marriages is something that needs to be accepted. Youth doesn’t ask you to permit them to allow them marry any random person they fall in love with. But at least give them a chance to speak their heart out about their choice. Maybe they are right about certain choices. Maybe they know better who could be more compatible for them, since they’ve known the one for years. It is better to marry someone you know and approve of, than to tie a knot with a complete stranger. And when the one has all what is needed to spend life together, how does the caste, creed and religion matter? We live in a country where Hindus also feel glad keeping Roza, and even Muslims are seen happily celebrating Ganesha Chaturthi. We can even see, that a Sonar by caste is an IAS by profession and not a real goldsmith, a Brahmin is an Engineer and not a priest or a teacher, and Marvaris are not businessmen all the time. Roles in society according to the caste system have seen a resurgence. Now we need to accept that the same blood flows through our veins, all of us. We all have the right and the capability to become everything that we want to. Then why is this caste system so able to divide us? Does it not weaken us when we allow them to invade us? Why does it hijack us, and why do we let it do? Well I’m mainly concerned about the inter-caste marriages here, but all this is an inevitable part surrounding it. Would it really make a difference if the purity in race is not maintained? It would rather be quiet a beautiful amalgamation, and a refreshing journey for the people. If conflicts have to arise, they would, even when you maintain the “purity of race”.  We all have seen couples leading an unhappy life, and there is no understanding between them even after so many years of marriage. And sometimes, the marriage of couples who were good friends previously, tends to last longer, as they understand and accept each other the way they are. This keeps the river of love flowing.

 We could talk about western countries and learn from them. Then I accept, ours is an entirely different system, and we need to solve it our own way. If we learn to accept and understand our coming and present generation, we would be contributing surely to happiness and prosperity. We would be contributing to the change in thoughts for good. This idea is nowhere harmful but all we need is to really understand it and stop being concerned about the society, and support our own kids. If their choice is really not a mature one, try to first understand the situation and then take a decision. They don’t want to elope really, but situations and lack of understanding makes them do so. I don’t at all appreciate this idea of eloping with someone you love, and not bothering about your parents’ decision. But, yes, if that seems to be the last option to them, then only they do it. If the youth get what they need, an understanding and open-minded parental support, they will never go astray. Problem comes when both the parties refuse to listen to each other. Because once you do, and build up a trust on your own morals, that you imparted in them, you will see the clearer picture. A happy life will follow, and there would be no need for you or your child, to feel ashamed of the society. They mock at you when you are left alone, either they elope or marry without your consent, or you throw them out of your family for committing this ‘mistake’. But when you both are united, their mouth will be sewed. You will be a proud family, who followed what was right, rather than following what they persuaded you to believe was right for your family and happiness.